How I learnt to Drive a Car

Recently I lost my driving license so getting a new one required me to give a test of my driving skills and it brought back memories of a long forgotten past.

Learning to drive a car is as simple as operating the mixer grinder..and all girls know it. I had enrolled in this driving school and true to their promise in 13 days they had me on the road driving my new red maruti 800. Of course I had minor problems with the simultaneous opposite motions of the clutch and accelerator and sometimes the brake just added that extra spice, further complicated by the need to negotiate between the hands and feet and the gears were so stubborn at times and ensured that two or more greens went by before the car moved ..but what the heck!! I was on the Delhi roads..driving. And Man!! I was so thrilled...till

My first cousin landed up with a job in Delhi. Like all guys aged whatever..he was obssessed with Gadgets of all kinds...bikes, cars, music systems and girls. And being older he had taken on the responsibility to tutor me in all these important areas of life. 

So I showed off...took him for a drive in my car, it was a missstakkke....he was aghast, reacted so violently saying I was raping my new car and then he began his inescapable lessons in driving...justifying that he as a normal well wisher could not stand indifferently and watch me harrass the car. 

Remove those insensitive sandals...footwear is an insult, barefoot is the only way to know, feel and sense your car. See the car is a very sensual thing...she is like your girlfriend and seeing my stumped look he rectified it is like your lover..so feel the passion...and Me I was in my Nun avatar at that time...but he insisted I imagine...and so the car first became masculine gender for me that I handled so closely..

Now start the car..and gently...just one movement of the key with love and see how it responds. Dont unnerve the ignition.. Now before putting it in the gear feel the power of the accelerator and so I pressed on the accelerator....hear it sing...and as I increased the pressure he insisted I distinguish between the comfortable notes and the painful ones...the car must croon in ecstasy not moan in pain...I had to learn as he would have it no other way...so I knew that when it goes vroom it is happy and when a higher pitch of vrrriiiiiim it is crying...screeching.

Then he asked me to feel the gears...hold them gingerly and they slide smoothly dont wrestle with them...
Beggars can be choosers but not sisters...and not women when it comes to cars..

Okay now we are ready to roll and feel the power of the clutch and the brakes... With all my concentration and passion that I could muster and putting my best foot forward I put the car in the first gear and then slowly left the clutch and pressed the acclerator....it is a tough call to get the car moving in the first go.  Then he asked me to brake...andd restart and brake again..to teach me that brakes are the force that controls...and clutch too help. Change the gears smoothly, it should be like the knife cutting into the butter, not abrupt thrusts and jerks.. people sitting in the car should not know of the change in gears... Can you feel the high and the thrill of your baby!! Just make it dance on the roads...let it kiss the streets...

It did not end there I was given mandatory lessons on not only the physiology, but the anatomy, psychology, sociology etc of the car. Thankfully he didnt dismantle the car and ask me to rebuild it..though I felt he very much wanted to do that but thought me too dumb for it. Now if you care for the car it will go miles and miles with you...give you the maximum for a minimum..but care for it, engine oil, brake oil, etc all need TLC ..it is high maintenance if you want it to last..treasure it.

And thanks to him for many months I was having this affair with my red maruti 800 and it would have continued had it not been for a class mate of mine who asked me for a lift one fine day. When men who know driving are forced to sit in the non drivers seat...especially next to a women...they are itchy and nasty..And this friend remarked in a sarcastic tone..that your car will never wear and tear...at 40-50km what can happen to it. Maybe if you wear your footwear and drive you can assert more force instead of driving like your car is a touch me not. And your speed may actually inrease too. Such a beauty will die of constipation...learn to release her power. If you want to enjoy her thrill her, make her run, give her a chase. I did protest and tell my friend that this is a He not a she...but...

That was really hitting and an insult to my affair..and I resolved that henceforth no man on wheels shall say such words about my driving and I learnt the power of the accelerator..and speed.

I discovered that men feel very intimately about cars..doesnt matter whose...they assume ownership and commit so easily to cars...otherwise committment makes them run miles apart...and the only affair that never ends..is the one between the car and the man.....

And I learnt my first lessons in handling a mechanical lover...too much gentleness doesnt take you there....it frustrates and irritates. Speed thrills and makes you feel powerful but the speed should make you feel in control...otherwise it kills. And the thing that matters is care...if you care the song is there..and one has to trust for one to drive with confidence. You must buy a car you find reliable and can trust and be in control...and remember the quote...never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly.

But driving is still a male bastion as I was to discover..the agents there kept asking whether I want to give a test in reality or would I pay a little extra...I told them very curtly that I have been driving for years and not a penny would I pay for something that I rightfully deserve. It took one whole day to give the test and at the end of it I did feel like I am diagonally parked in a parallel universe. (dont know the author of this quote)